Apologizing for God

I have been convicted recently, and I want to share my struggle.  I can admit that I do think it is a sin issue, although I don't think I would have ever considered it such even a month ago.  However, the reality is that this struggle has hurt my relationship with God, and hurt my testimony to those around me.

I have been feeling the urge to apologize for God.

Sitting in a room with eager learners seeking real answers about the real God of the universe, I have felt tempted to apologize for what we find.

It's not that I am refusing to teach the truth of Scripture--I am much too convinced of the truth and accuracy of Scripture to do that...

...but what I seem to have lost conviction about was the goodness of God.

At the root, its about shame.

Shame, embarrassed to share the hard truths of the Bible.  The truth that the Bible tells the story of a God that is beyond our expectations and understanding.  The truth that this God does things that I can't defend or argue as good.  It has made me squirm to talk about how God has reacted to sin in the past, what he has called sin for all time, and so many more things that I can't begin to describe it.

And at the root is my culture, my generation.  Though better trained to know the truth, I am equally able to drown in the culture around me.  I find it difficult to separate myself, my identity, from the culture that surrounds me. The culture of tolerance and timidness; sarcasm and sexuality; activism and apathy.  This is MY culture, and it has a tremendous impact on my life.

And it broke me.  It led me into the lie that I can decide whether God is good or not, that I am somehow qualified to criticize the character of God.  The God who has created ten thousand suns and beyond, who knit my brain together and allowed it to think and work--I am going to try to criticize this?  I am going to try to apologize for his actions?

____________

A student sat in my office confessing a struggle; a sin.  Looking at me, they sought God's word on this issue.  What does the book say?  What does it reveal?

And I hesitated.

And that is when I noticed the destruction inside me.  That is when I resolved to make a change.  That is when I prayed for forgiveness, apologizing to God for how I had avoided Him instead of apologizing for Him to those around me.

And I felt his goodness around me, surrounding me and wrapping me in his truth and justice and goodness and love.

For part of the great truth of the gospel is that he is never far away, even when we try to make Him so.

And as I continue on this journey of being in love with the actions of God, the teachings of God, and the character of God, I ask--will you pray for me?

Have you ever found yourself apologizing for God?  What caused your hesitancy? I hope to hear from you!

On Marriage

Reflecting on the four years passed since oaths were sworn before God and men, on ups and downs and joys and tears, I find myself sitting back in awe.

I thought I could write a post giving marriage advice.

Yet as I think, I have no real advice to give, no knowledge of some special power to make your marriage better.  Instead, allow me to make some reminiscent observations.

I thought marriage would be a constant ride of highs and lows, and in general it is not.  Marriage is primarily about the mundane, the ordinary, the daily.  Marriage is making a shopping list, managing finances, and making the bed.  As we are married, we focus on the big, the life-altering events, only to discover that the moments that make up most of marriage are much more...common.

These common moments are holy.  If I am to be honest, I cannot remember at all how I have celebrated anniversaries past, but I can remember the day I was sick.  Very sick, by my standards anyway.  In bed for the day, Ky put in one of my favorite movies (Lord of the Rings:  The Return of the King if you were curious) and went into the next room.  I do not know if it was the medicine, the sickness, or just the moment, but I started crying like a baby during this movie I had watched a good 50 times before; Kylie caught me.  The laughter of this day, laughter that made me cough so hard I could barely pull air into my sickly lungs, is a building block of my marriage.  That day strengthened my marriage.

I also have discovered that marriage is born more out of our burdens than our triumphs.  The aches of our hearts cause us to lean toward each other.  Our triumphs make us think we can stand alone.

I do not know much about marriage.  All I know is that it is a wild ride, and it is a ride that I continue to take till death do us part.

I wonder, what is the most significant moment in your marriage?  Was it one of those "big" moments?  Or was it holy in the midst of the mundane?

Fruitful Labor

I spent the entire day today at work.  I mean, 8 AM to 8PM, 12 hours of doing church work, accomplishing stuff, reading, prepping, emailing, outlining, designing, brainstorming--that type of work.

Some of you had long, stressful days yourselves.  Hours of work, hours of picking-kids-up-only-to-drop-them-off-again runaround, hours of busy.

Others have worked hours at jobs that they hate, doing the same thing over and over again like a scratched CD skipping back every 2 seconds...

May I ask an honest question?

What are we actually accomplishing in all of our busyness?  What are we accomplishing in the hours of transporting kids, making money, planning ministry?

If you are like me, the honest answer may be that we accomplish very little.  We gain very little.

Life, gone by going through the motions.

I have been reading Philippians 1 every day the past couple weeks, focusing on one verse at a time.  Today, the verse that struck me is verse 22.  Look it up.  I will wait for you.

Paul knows that life, for him, will mean FRUITFUL labor.

Life that counts labor.

Days-not-wasted-going-through-the-motions-without-thinking-through-the-results work.

I don't know that I hold the answer, but I want to see us all choose to work, parent, learn, serve, fellowship, and love in such a way that our labor isn't wasted.

I want our work to bear fruit that lasts.

My best advice:  examine your actions.  Don't walk blindly through life working, parenting, or even "doing church" the way everyone else does.  I know that we tell our kids that "just because everyone else does it..." line, but often our lives look just like everyone else.

Why?  Perhaps we have never considered if different could work.

Maybe different could more than work, maybe it could be fruitful.

Yes, perhaps being different in what we work on, how we run our family, what our priorities are...maybe that would help our work to be more fruitful.