Honoring God in Dating Part I

Dating didn't exactly exist in Biblical times, but that doesn't mean that Scripture does not point to a direction for us to honor God in dating.  I have ten biblical teachings that should apply to dating that I will be posting over the next 2-3 weeks.

I would like to start by asking you to consider not dating.  I want to start by asking you to stop.  I want you to consider that single life may be God's calling for your life.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain unmarried as I am. 9 But if they are not practicing self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)

Is is well with you to remain unmarried.  The unmarried life is a blessed life from God.  This is not to say that marriage is not a blessed life from God, but Paul points to singleness as being particularly rewarding.

We don't teach this well in the church today.  We tend to teach our children and teens that one day they will meet "the one" and that God has prepared a person specifically for them to marry.

Yet Paul asks us to consider singleness.  God tells us that we would be blessed to consider singleness.  The point is that we can serve God more fully and more ably if we are single.

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; 33 but the married man is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman and the virgin are anxious about the affairs of the Lord, so that they may be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to put any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and unhindered devotion to the Lord.  (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Free from anxieties.

Anxious about the affairs of the Lord.

What does it mean to consider being single?  What would it look like to spend time trying to make that decision?  Let me offer a few thoughts:

1. Be intentionally single for a few months.  Let this be a time of prayer, Christians service, and careful soul searching.

2. Judge honestly your ability to withstand sexual lusts.  Paul makes clear that if you can't handle being single, then don't be single.  Celibacy is a difficult calling, so don't commit to it if you can't do it.

3. Seek completely God's calling on your life.  Is the mission or purpose that God is calling you going to be conducive to marriage or singleness?  Will you be free to do what you are called to do if you are married?

I am a happily married man.  My wife has blessed my spiritual life beyond what my words can express.  However, I would like to stand with Paul in encouraging any of you that are single:  consider making that permanent.

What Do I Mean By Complementarian?

Hello, my name is Matt and i am a Complementarian.


WHEW!  It feels good to finally just come out and say it.  And I have to admit that it is true, at the deepest part of my being I believe that husband-wife relationships are best described as complementary.  I know many of you who read this may have very strong negative connotations about this word and concept, but please, let me explain myself.


Basically, there are five things that play into my view of marital relationships as complementary:


1. I believe that men and women are intrinsically different.

I think we can look at the natural world and the creation account in Genesis and see that we are created to be two halves of one humanity.  Women are not created to be men and men are not created to be women.  There are things that make men think, work, and act differently than women think, work, and act.  This does not place one as better than the other, just different.


2. I believe all human relationships require some level of complementarianism.

The concept of absolute equality in decision making, for example, is a myth.  It cannot happen.  Someone must naturally take the lead in any relationship.  It is imperative that as humans, we learn how to be both the leader and follower for different moments and roles that we will find ourselves filling in life.


3. I believe love leads to complementary relationships.

Only when I am in a relationship for myself and my well-being am I worried about having my fair share of power.  Marriage is not about me.  Marriage is about love.  Love leads me to look to the good of the other--to see how I can come alongside and complement the work God is already doing in them.  Love leads to complementary relationships.

Yes, I am a complementarian.  The truth is that I am also an egalitarian, but that discussion can wait until tomorrow.

What do you think?  Are you a complementarian?  What makes you embrace this view of marriage?  Does your marriage look this way in practice, or just theory?

Driscoll's Problem Is Calvin, Not Complementarianism

Mark Driscoll is a perfect storm of controversy.  Great popularity, widely available media, and unpopular opinions have led to him being lambasted by a great deal of internet bloggers.

Especially since Driscoll's most recent book, Real Marriage, hit the shelves Driscoll has faced a great deal of opposition.  Driscoll's view of complementarian marriage is the focal point of the fire.  Marriage, many would say, is meant to be a 100% equal relationship with no leader but Christ.  Pastor Mark's suggestion of male authority--very much in line with much of the traditi  on of Christianity--has been met with an unequaled amount of criticism.

I must pause to ask the simple question:  Why?  Why is Mark Driscoll's view of masculine hierarchy so distasteful to us?  I would suggest that it is not the idea of masculine leadership that angers us, but the type of masculine leadership.

Driscoll's view of marriage is one of absolute, totalitarian male leadership.

And it is not Mark's fault.

It is Calvin's.

John Calvin took the authority and omnipotence of God to mean that God must control every aspect of every detail of his creation.

According to Calvin:

1. Your will is bent and swayed by God to fit his every purpose.
2. You do not make a single daily decision without it being first decided by God.
3. That God, for no purpose that we as humans are privy to, chose to forgive some and reject others.
4. That God's grace, once sent to an individual, is absolutely irresistible.  You could not even begin to fight it.
5. That God, though outwardly despising sin, was actually the author of sin, and created it for his secretive purposes in the world.

Yes, this is the way that Calvin viewed God.  This is what Calvinism suggests.  It suggests that since God has power, he uses it absolutely.  It suggests that since God has authority, he wields is coldly and viciously.

Is it any wonder that a man reading the Bible through this lens would suggest an authoritarian male leadership in the home?  Can we really blame Mark Driscoll for teaching a natural product of his theology.

The truth, however, is that God did not come as a dictator, but a servant.  The image of the invisible God came and became nothing.  The leader who led from the basement instead of the penthouse.  He was the king who chose love over authority.

What might a marriage look like that embraces a better picture of the God of Scripture?  How does our view of God imprint itself on our view of leadership, marriage, parenting, etc?

Looking Ahead: Renewing the Mind

Let's be honest:  I am not great at organizing this blog.  I get ideas of weekly themes, and I don't stick to them.  This year, I am trying again, but slightly different.

This year, for me, is all about being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2).  Therefore, this year I will spend my time reading, writing, and asking questions that are important to this goal.  Every Friday I will give a basic update on "What I'm Learning."  Outside of that, anything could happen.

What types of blog posts should you expect?  Well, here are a list of topics that are areas of my mind I am seeking to renew with God's goodness:

• Scriptural Authority, Inspiration, and Formation:  How did we get the Bible?  Why does the Bible matter?  How should we read the bible?
• Grace and Works:  This has been one of the central battles of my heart and mind for the past 4-5 years theologically.  I also believe it has been a battle in my life for much longer.  I need to seek renewal in this theologically and practically.
• Purity and Exemplified Marriage:  I am on a life-long quest for purity in my life.  This year I attack the mental aspects of that goal.  I also want to explore the question:  How can my marriage be a displayed example for those around me?
• Justice and Poverty:  What does it look like to care for the poor?  What does it mean to love?  What role should I take to make the world a better place?  What issues are most pressing?
• Science and Religion:  What should we expect from the Bible scientifically?
• Faith and Parenting:  What does it mean to walk my child toward God?  How can I create an environment where faith can flourish and last?

On top of these topics, I am hoping to have several guest posts from members of my youth group, friends, family, and fellow bloggers.  I will also be writing down children's stories that I plan to tell my child starting at his birth in February.

It is going to be a good year.  What is your goal?  Do you have a word, a verse, or a sentence that describes your goal?

On Marriage

Reflecting on the four years passed since oaths were sworn before God and men, on ups and downs and joys and tears, I find myself sitting back in awe.

I thought I could write a post giving marriage advice.

Yet as I think, I have no real advice to give, no knowledge of some special power to make your marriage better.  Instead, allow me to make some reminiscent observations.

I thought marriage would be a constant ride of highs and lows, and in general it is not.  Marriage is primarily about the mundane, the ordinary, the daily.  Marriage is making a shopping list, managing finances, and making the bed.  As we are married, we focus on the big, the life-altering events, only to discover that the moments that make up most of marriage are much more...common.

These common moments are holy.  If I am to be honest, I cannot remember at all how I have celebrated anniversaries past, but I can remember the day I was sick.  Very sick, by my standards anyway.  In bed for the day, Ky put in one of my favorite movies (Lord of the Rings:  The Return of the King if you were curious) and went into the next room.  I do not know if it was the medicine, the sickness, or just the moment, but I started crying like a baby during this movie I had watched a good 50 times before; Kylie caught me.  The laughter of this day, laughter that made me cough so hard I could barely pull air into my sickly lungs, is a building block of my marriage.  That day strengthened my marriage.

I also have discovered that marriage is born more out of our burdens than our triumphs.  The aches of our hearts cause us to lean toward each other.  Our triumphs make us think we can stand alone.

I do not know much about marriage.  All I know is that it is a wild ride, and it is a ride that I continue to take till death do us part.

I wonder, what is the most significant moment in your marriage?  Was it one of those "big" moments?  Or was it holy in the midst of the mundane?

Reasons

If you have read my blog regularly, you know that I believe love is so much bigger than emotionalism, commitment, compatibility, or chemistry. I believe that love can only be defined by its cost, its pricelessness. Love takes a toll, and it eventually erodes who we are completely, making us into something else.

Something bigger.

What makes us love? What has brought me to a point of willingly losing myself?

I have only two loves that bring me to lose myself, my Savior and my wife.

Today I share thoughts as to what brings me to give up myself for my wife:

I love her for her eyes. This is not gushy sentimentalism, her eyes are true art--beauty that has depths I cannot describe. I cannot look into her eyes without giving up a bit of myself.

I love her for her conviction. In this she stands well over me.

I love her for her forgiveness.

I love her for her beauty.

I love her for her music. Music has always led me to give of myself more than anything, and her sharing her music with me, it provides a wellspring for my love.

I love her simplicity. Saying what she means, meaning what she says.

I love her reliance and self-reliance. I cannot really explain this, but she needs me, but also is self-reliant, and I am the same.

I love her creativity (which she doesn't think she has!)

I love her compassion.

I love her ability to bake (can anything else make me want to sacrifice quite like a fresh loaf of bread?)

I love her work ethic.

I love her worldview.

I love her ability to challenge me.

I love that she hates reading my blog, but supports me writing it

I love that she points me to my other love

I love that she is an anchor for my restlessness

Bottom line: I love my wife. I am sure there are many wonderful, godly women out there, but only this one was crafted in such a way that i willingly walked away from myself to be hers.

What do you love about your wife? What do you love about your husband?

Holiness

It is a great and terrible lie. We want it to be true. We ache with desire for it...

...because if it were true marriage would be all about us.

We have been told: Marriage is about making me happy.

This is the great lie that that can kill marriages. We buy into this for but a moment, and we lose the significance of our marriage. We let this in, and marriage becomes nothing more than a field for self-gratification. Not a union for two, but a fight for one.

The truth is more difficult, but much more glorious. The truth is that marriage can include happiness, and can in fact include a lot of happiness.

Marriage, though, is not about making me happy, but about making me holy.

When we view marriage as a way in which God works to make us holy, a way of molding our lives, we see the glorious truth of marriage.

In marriage, we can understand what being the bride of Christ looks like, we can see our union with Christ better, we can see a glimpse of our life with the King.

If we treat our marriage as a flower bed for holiness...

...we can find joy in tough decisions.
...we can feel confident discussing personal sins.
...avoid disappointment by focusing on the other persons needs.

Marriage is about growing a flower of faith, moving toward God.

May we move away from the idol of happiness...

Selflessness

A few posts ago, I offered a few options of new post ideas that I may research, think about, and eventually post upon. I listened to those who have made requests, and I will begin two new sets of posts this week. Either tomorrow or Friday I will post about Jesus curious actions and words in the gospel of Mark (NT studies is one of my great loves after all).

Today, however, I want to talk about marriage. Specifically, I want to give you some basic advice for marriage:

Marriage is NOT a compromise.

Give and take is a lie. 50-50 doesn't work. Push and pull is not God's design.

This has been one of the most common pieces of "advice" I have received from the older, more seasoned marriages that surround me. Compromise, meet her halfway, etc.

I see two problems:

First, it doesn't work! Only a few years ago, my wife and I were trying to buy a house (we succeeded!). We had to set up meetings and work out a contractual agreement for the buying of the house between us and the former owners. The idea is simple: find a middle ground that would satisfy both parties. The problem was, we wanted a little more than fifty-fifty. We wanted to know that we had won the negotiations.

When we aim at 50-50, both parties always stop at 40 and fight for the rest.

Second, I don't believe God desires us to set up our marriages as 50-50 business deals. One example:

"and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ, Wives to your own husbands as to the Lord...Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." -Ephesians 5

There is no room for 50-50 here. This is the hand you go all in. Every chip you have is on the table. Every bit of you is expended, not in the pursuit of yourself, but in the pursuit of your spouse. This is a 100-100 marriage. A God honoring emptying of self in pursuit of another's God-centered joy.

I have never been happier than when I stop thinking about myself. I have never been disappointed when I look to give my wife 100% of what she needs. Her dreams become my desire. Her spiritual life is the garden I help cultivate. Her heart is the treasure I desire to keep.

And let me tell you, you never lose, even when your spouse isn't 100% for you. And when they are for you, all in, both are pushing each other to Paradise.

There is no room for self in marriage.

Lord, empty me in a way that I can best serve my wife. Amen.

Vows

I, Matt, take you, Kylie, to be my wedded wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Three and a half years later, I would like to add:

I will hold your opinion in deepest regard,

I will be present for you,

I will find my joy first in God, and second in God's union of us,

I will lead you with a gentle love,

Putting your heart above my own,

Your hopes, dreams, and aspirations will guide my decisions,

My leadership will be sacrificial--as Christ sacrificed himself in leading me.

I will place our love above that of our children, both for them and us,

I will listen, not just hear, converse, not just respond, cherish, not just have,

You will be mine fully, and I yours, and together we will seek after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ from this day until the day we meet the Lord in the sleep of death,

And together with all the Church we will be the Bride of our Lord on the great Final Resurrection day, when Easter comes for us all!

This is my pledge to you

The TV OFF

Yep, I'm turning it off!

Netflix--Off.

The Voice--Off.

All other pointless television--Off.

My wife and I agreed that we are taking a television break. More than likely this will only be a month or two break, but we are determined to do two things:

1. Be productive.

We want to use our waking hours as opportunities to do things. This is not productive just in the CEO-Bottom-Line mentality. This is more of the Jesus-came-give-life-to-the-full-so-darnit-we-are-going-to-take-him-at-his-word sort of way. We already have begun working at cleaning up our house--throwing away those broken and useless things, laughing and cherishing old memories.

For example--We get a calender every year from our wonderful Alma Mater, Milligan College. Well, cleaning our "office" room I found a calender from last year. I was about to throw it away, as 2010 is gone and never to return again, when my dear Ky snatches from me (as if snatching it from the flames). I was then informed of the great potential this calender possessed in the world of scrapbooking, and it was whisked away to another room where it can be kept for a few years then discarded!

2. This provides an opportunity to continue our marriage, just better. Last night, we colored. A kids book of colorless puppies, birds, and mushrooms became the backdrop for a wonderful night of being one. Being the holy We, that three pronged relationship between God, Kylie, and myself that displays God's radiant love for the church better than any other canvas on earth.

(Full Disclosure: I just read that last sentence and I'm not sure if it is acceptable English. However, I studied ancient Greek and happen to know that Paul uses sentences that are in no way grammatically correct and yet mean exactly what he intended. Therefore, I'm sticking with it.)

Anyway, I'll try to put up some pictures of the art we created last night. I am thinking of starting a page on here entirely devoted to pictures of Our journey in life.

Be praying, starting Tuesday I am going to begin a series of stories every Tuesday and Thursday that weave together to be my Testimony. I find it difficult to tell, so pray that the words would be true, powerful, and beautiful.

Until next time!

Matt

When Winning Isn't

My wife is my lifesaver. If you know me at all, you know that I do not say this lightly. She looked at me at my most disgusting and loved me. She showed me grace when she didn't need to. But that is a story for another day.

I begin this way so that you know that what I am about to say is in no way an indictment against my wife. She is a jewel. There is just one thing that bothers me:

The silent treatment. When she is upset she simply "doesn't have anything to say." I hate the silent treatment. I feel trapped because I am so often an ignorant jerk that I don't have a clue what I've done wrong to begin with. Nine times out of ten I have screwed up, but sometimes I just don't know how. The silent treatment doesn't help, at least that is what I thought.

So a little more than a year ago, Ky and I were having one of these fights, one of these I said something stupid but I don't know what fights. We find ourselves sitting on the couch, staring at the wall not saying anything.

And the tension is enough that it is driving me crazy. I decide the silent treatment has to end, so I raise my voice and start getting mad because she won't tell me what is going on.

"I just don't have anything to say to you right now." She responds and my blood boils.

"Fine! Just forget it." I exhale and I leave the couch and walk upstairs. I turn on my PlayStation and I play Madden until I calm down. I thought I would wait her out, that she would see my side of this, that I would convert her to my view of dealing with this conflict.

Then I heard the sound of victory.

It was that gasping for air that comes as you try to calm yourself down while crying.

Ky was crying, and in my prideful anger I had her right in the cross-hairs. I descended the stairs trying to hide my sense of victory, I would show her that she needed to honor me!

I held her as she cried, all the while waiting to unleash the words: This is why you shouldn't use the silent treatment.

But then I made my fatal flaw. I asked her what was wrong, and her words cut.

"you left me."

She was mad, but she still was there, and my moment of pride and anger showed her the one thing I never, ever wanted her to see in my life: faithlessness. A lack of Stand By Me attitude. I could win the battle at the cost of losing my teammate. She was damaged because I wasn't there.

Sometimes winning isn't.

Sometimes its best to sit side by side and lose together, because at least your together.