"Only God knows, and he doesn't tell."
Gene Edwards words pierce my skin. They find the soft flesh between hard ribs and bury deep, piercing even into the pounding muscle of my heart. His words have wounded me. They have taken up residence inside my heart, but the heart was not meant to work with outside stuff in. It only works right when it is left alone. His words, good as they may be, have destroyed me tonight.
I pray for leadership. I pray for the Spirit's power. I pray for the gifts and abilities to change the world for Christ. I am driven by calling, purpose-driven, and focused. I want the greatness of being a God-man, a called one.
But am I willing to look honestly at the message of Scripture. The message that wrecks lives and haunts hearts. Am I willing to be true and honest and admit that what Scripture says is way more than a calling to purpose and power.
The calling of God is a calling to die.
Many men have wielded the power of God. Many have held leadership in his flock. Many have been given the ability to lead others.
And many have done so with wrong motives, with sinful hearts, and with terrible results. Nations have been divided, people killed, lives destroyed all because God allowed his leadership to be bestowed on men unworthy.
And I fear that praying for his power is a sign that I am that man.
Moses didn't seek the power. He was a broken man before God asked him to lead a nation. He couldn't do it right until he could do nothing by himself.
David never fought to gain his kingdom, but was broken by threats and violence aimed at him. His brokenness made him the best king possible.
Paul's brokenness allowed him to be God's man in pain unbearable. Peter's brokenness allowed him to accept those that shouldn't have been. Isaiah's brokenness allowed him to share holy words from a mouth of filth.
Perhaps more than healing us, God wants to break us, so that we can do nothing but allow him to work.
I am terrified to pray it.
I am terrified that it could mean problems. I am terrified that praying it will mean hardship.
It could mean job loss, homelessness, family problems, disease, relocation, persecution, disability or even death.
To pray this prayer means I am in, no matter the cost.
And I say it here, so that whatever may befall me, you may say surely: It was from God, and it was for good.
And so I pray: Lord, break me.