Monday, May 23, 2011

I Want To Be Lost

My pulse rose quickly. Not so anymore. Today I am no longer the panic stricken kid who can't find his mommy and daddy in the museum. I am no longer the dependent or the destitute. I am no longer the sick...and a hollowness rings within me as a state this truth.

I long to be lost.

I want to forget who I am.

When I was lost, unsure, inept I was desperate. Desperation drove my soul forward, searching for my place in the world, seeking Daddy, the Holder-Together-Of-All-Things that held me in the web of his life. I had no idea why I was here, what He would want with me, I just knew that I was here, and I desperately needed to be with Him.

Four years of theological training and I know have answers. Not all the answers, but answers. I have studied myself to a point of Know-It-Allness that I have forsaken my panic induced striving after the one Holy-Know-It-All (for he Made-It-All). I have become the doctor--the one bringing answers to those who are desperate.

In my learning of the answers, I lost my desperation. Loss of desperation kills.

...It means I no longer seek (how then can I find?)
...It means I am no longer sick (how can I be made well?)
...It means I am no longer fragmented (how can I be made whole?)

I know (thanks to my ever so great self-knowledge) that I am still reliant on the Source; that I am being made well and whole and complete and perfect according to His blueprints for my soul...

...but some days I miss the desperation of the start, the days when whine my prayers out into a tear stained pillow...

...for it was in the start that I felt the gentle God arms on my shoulder, not telling me where to go, but revealing that He Is.

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