Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Exposing Secret Jealousy

I am a jealous person.

There I said it. It is true. I get jealous of people all the time. I see who they are, what they have, what I WANT, and I have a great desire to turn them into fleas, put them into a box, put that box into a bigger box, then mail that box to myself. When it arrives, I'd SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! (Thanks The Emperor's New Groove for giving me a dream!)

Where was I? Oh, how I kinda hate everyone. It's not that I genuinely hate people, but it is just that I look at those around me and their lives seem to be as seamlessly awesome as Bruce Wayne--billionaire by day, crime fighting crazy man by night--awesome!

Meanwhile, I feel like I've got all the Clark Kent, none of the Superman.

Like I said though, it isn't that I really hate these people, it is just that people sometimes seem to have the things in their lives that I want in mine. So, to help me feel more awesome, I've compiled a list of things you can do to help me. If you follow these five easy steps, you can cure me of jealousy!

  1. Stop dressing cooler than I do. Youth ministers are notorious for making odd outfits look cool. Your V-necks and skinny jeans make me feel out of date (although more comfortable) than you. My average outfit--T-shirt, normal jeans, and a goodwill plaid suit jacket over the top.
  2. Please have less self-control than I do. I eat like a hog headed to the market. I can't keep a workout regiment for anything. Please follow suit.
  3. Please have typos in your blog posts. It never fails. I finish my post, I read through my post, I post my post. The next day, I find typos in my post. Can you do this too, it would help my jealousy!
  4. Please be less witty than I am. Our senior minister is the most witty man I know. I have to sit for an hour or two to think of a good zinger to get back at him/anyone else. If you could act slow and slightly dim-witted, that would be much appreciated.
  5. Don't tell me how much more you have read than I have. I love to read, but I got a late start on the reading train (I was too "cool" in junior/senior high, and too lazy for a couple years in college). I am trying to get with the picture, but please, don't make references to Dostoevsky! Stop the alluding to Austen! And please, whatever you do, don't quote from the most famous of all authors: Rob Bell.

So there it is, my jealous list. I would love to hear your jealous problems on one condition: your issues with jealousy can't sound worse than mine, or it will just make me jealous!

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