Monday, June 13, 2011

The Dawn of Death

Reminder: This is a portion of my testimony. You can read the first part here. Don't forget that this is PG-13 material, and Mom and Dad are still not permitted to read! The rest of you, I hope you are blessed by the truth of my life--even when the truth is awful.

I don't think I ever prayed more fervently than the moments after. My heart sobbed, hands shook, lungs couldn't fill because of the uneasiness of my body. A heaviness lay upon my soul, a heaviness that I had never experienced before, but one that I would feel on me for several years to come.

Sexual release led to a clear head and a broken conscience.

Masturbation opened my eyes to the death dawning in my life.

I know that many question whether masturbation is sin or not. It is. I knew it in my heart that day, after I experienced a moment that was meant for my wife. I experienced it in the wrong setting, for the wrong reason, with the wrong result.

Instead of joy filled, life giving sexual abundance, I find death.

The Wrong Setting: My first (and every) sexual release is meant for the marriage relationship. Instead, I robbed my wife and myself of experiencing this together because I chose to act on desire before the appointed time.

The Wrong Reason: Sex is not about me. Sex is an act of giving, an act of self-giving love. My reason for masturbation was selfishness, not selflessness. Selfishness kills marriages, it kills relationships in general. Wrong motive lead to wrong action at the wrong time.

The Wrong Result: I have been a faithful husband. However, my past choices mean that I am tainted--even in my marriage. I cannot undo what I have done, and it does affect and hurt my marriage. I had to seek forgiveness from my wife before we were wed. Until you have that conversation with the woman of your dreams, you won't ever realize the trench of this sin.

The sin had entered a couple years before, but it was this moment that I realized that I was sinful. Truly sinful.

Living apart from God.

Not saved (at least I felt--only God knows!)

I cried, I begged, I asked God to forgive.

I promised, vowed, swore that I would never--no more.

But this struggle took over my life, and I thought I'd never get it back.

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